


Adrift

by mustlovemustypages



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fix-It, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Post-Canon, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustlovemustypages/pseuds/mustlovemustypages
Summary: The Force ghost appearing in her room soon after the war isn't entirely unexpected. However, it does change her life in unexpected ways, making Rey realize that things may not be as permanent as they at first seemed.(Post The Rise of Skywalker fix-it story focusing on Rey and Ben)
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 25
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for everyone out there who experienced the highest of highs (that fight scene! that kiss!) and lowest of lows (so much, but especially Ben's disappearing body...) with the latest Star Wars movie. For better and for worse, this is what we have to work with and work with it we shall.

Directly after the war, Rey feels like she is walking on a cloud for days. Everywhere she looks, everyone is celebrating, no longer are happy moments tinged with fear or uncertainty. Because they did it. They won. There is no longer a reason to be afraid.

Of course, there is also mourning, especially over those lost in that last battle before Lando came with reinforcements and so many died. They're able to look back at those deaths as meaningful, though. Sad, yes. But it got them to where they are now, and in a way, they are celebrating their fallen comrades and their contributions more than anything.

It's easy to get swept up with the excitement. Rey celebrates with the rest as they marvel that they're here. They're alive.

Then comes the crash. Three days after the victory, things start to settle down somewhat, and people return to work. They make plans for cleaning up, map out the next steps for rebuilding...

And Rey takes part in none of it. She goes to sleep one night and wakes up not wanting to leave her bed. It's so unlike her that she thinks maybe she's getting sick. Being constantly on the run, then literally dying and being brought back to life couldn't be great for her immune system. So she goes back to sleep and wakes up later that night, still not feeling any better.

She does get up, but only to use the restroom and grab some rations. When Poe sees her on her way back to her room, he stops her and puts a hand to her forehead, so she really must look awful.

"Get some rest and drink lots of fluids," he tells her like she imagines a concerned parent would, pushing the water canteen he's holding into her hands and shooing her off to her room. "Don't worry about all of this. You can help when you're back on your feet."

Rey only musters up the energy to feel a tinge of guilt that she hasn't been concerned with the clean-up at all. It's gone by the time she reaches her room again, and after eating a ration bar, she falls into a half-asleep state until the next morning.

This goes on for another two days before Rey concludes that she's not actually sick, at least not physically. She's sitting in bed, a blanket pulled up to her chin as she forces herself to eat the soup Finn brought her when she realizes why she feels so off.

It's odd how long it took her to figure out how much being tied to another person had actually affected her. She'd previously attributed her sense of family and belonging to when she'd found Finn and the others. And while that was part of it, she now sees on a different level how the force bond between her and Ben was responsible, too. It was like a quiet buzz at the periphery, going almost completely unnoticed until it had already worked its way through every fiber of her being. It was a tether that had kept her grounded and something she had taken for granted.

And now it's gone, and she is left adrift.

She doesn't feel at all like someone who helped win the war and save the galaxy.

After landing at the resistance base and right before the celebrations began, she knows her friends noticed that she was more withdrawn than usual. They had probably assumed it was her mourning over Leia, and Rey had let them. Even though she'd explained what happened with Ben and Palpatine, she knew they only accepted her explanation so easily because Ben wasn't there, and they didn't have to worry about a dead man. 

It's become a new habit of hers, some form of coping mechanism most likely, to picture her exiting the X-wing with Ben and them greeting the camp together hand-in-hand. She imagines this now, honestly not knowing how her friends would have reacted. 

"Their faces would have been priceless, though," she murmurs to herself with a smile she doesn't really feel.

"Whose faces?" a voice asks.

Rey has been expecting this to happen, waiting for it really. So she keeps the half-hearted smile on her face as she turns to see Ben standing there, his back to her as he looks at the books stacked in the corner of her room. Her smile even widens for a second, true joy to see him overtaking everything else.

He isn't wearing his mask or uniform. Instead, he's in plain clothes, the blue fabric so dark it's almost black.

He pauses his examination to look her way when she doesn't answer and repeats his question. "Whose faces?"

Rey's smile drops, and she grabs one of the books by her bed, an old tome of Luke's, and throws it at his head.

Ben's a ghost, so while he flinches, the book sails right through his body and hits the wall behind him with a thud. When he raises an eyebrow at her, Rey throws another book. To his credit, he learns and doesn't react this time except to step closer to her. "Rey..."

Her name has barely left his mouth, and Rey can already feel wetness on her face as she realizes she's crying. "Stop," she rasps, and she isn't sure if her lack of voice is because she hasn't been drinking Poe's prescribed "fluids" or because she hasn't truly spoken to anyone for at least a day. She clears her throat and speaks again, more clearly this time, "Stay over there." It's not really what she means. _Come closer,_ she wants to say. _Don't leave._

Ben doesn't listen, or maybe he does, but not to what she says aloud. Although he inches closer slowly, she starts to panic as her mind flashes back to the last time they were this close. They were in the cave and kissed, and then Ben disappeared into thin air right out of her arms. "I said stay back!" she shouts, throwing up her right hand, and a bolt of blue light shoots from her fingers, hitting Ben square in the shoulder. 

He grimaces in pain and raises a hand to rub the spot, then freezes. It feels like a lifetime passes before he drops his arm and walks back to her books, somehow trying to pretend like nothing happened.

Rey stops breathing. He's a force ghost. He shouldn't be able to feel anything. 

She hastily untangles herself from her blanket, scattering ration wrappers to the floor as she scrambles out of bed. "You felt that, didn't you?"

Ben stiffens.

"You did!" she says in wonder. "You-"

A knock interrupts her next words, followed by "Rey?"

While she feels a prick of frustration at the interruption, Ben looks immensely relieved for the reprieve in their conversation, and in a second, he's gone, image vanishing from sight.

Finn's knock on the door is harder this time. "Are you alright?" She wonders if it was the book throwing, the shouting, or the sparks flying from her fingertips that he had heard. Perhaps it was a combination of all three.

Either way, she knows she can't exactly ignore him, so she opens the door just as he starts pounding on it again. A moment later, it hits her that she probably looks a fright, tear-stanged cheeks, hair that hasn't been washed for days, and the same clothes she had been wearing during the first day of celebrations.  
  
Finn doesn't comment on any of these things, but she sees him take her in with a quick sweep of his eyes, and he looks a little alarmed.

Before he can ask her again if she's alright and she loses the lie on the tip of her tongue, she wipes at her eyes and tucks some loose strands of hair behind her ears. "Yeah, I'm fine." 

"You sure?" Finn looks completely unconvinced, and Rey knows she's not going to get him to leave easily.

She nods. "Yeah, I'm going to wash up and head to the hangar to hang out with Rose for a bit. I promised her I'd visit after I was feeling better." This isn't exactly true as she has no pre-existing plans with the mechanic, but she doesn't think Rose will out her. "Want to grab lunch after, see if Poe can join?"

Finn seems only to be half-listening now, looking past her to the exact spot Ben had been standing a second ago. Immediately, Rey's head snaps around, thinking Ben's come back, and she'll have to explain, but he's not there. It's just empty space. 

She turns around in time to see Finn frown for a brief momentbefore shaking his head as if he doesn't know what he was thinking. Then registering her offer, he smiles, probably thinking she's finally getting better. "That would be great. I'm going down to work on the Falcon with Poe before Lando takes off in a few weeks. Want to eat in there like old times?"

"Like old times," Rey agrees. "Now I've got to go wash up." She gestures to what she's sure is a rat's nest in her hair, and Finn gives her a thumbs up before leaving.

Even as she's just shutting her door, she can sense Ben before she sees him. He's not by her books this time, but lying on her bed on top of the crumpled blanket, hands propped behind his head. "I see FN-2187 is still as infatuated with you as ever." There's amusement in his tone, mixed with a pinch of real jealousy just under the surface.

"Ben," Rey sighs. 

"Fine, fine." He waves her off and smiles up at the ceiling, and she realizes he was just trying to rile her up. " _Finn._ Sorry, old habits and all that."

The conversation is so mundane, so different than what she's used to with Ben that his loss hits her all over again. It's not only that he's gone, and she misses what they had, but it's all the missed opportunities too that could have been in their future. Casual banter, quiet moments in the morning...

She walks over to Ben and places a hand on his shoulder. He feels solid under her palm, no different than if she were touching Finn or Poe. "I shouldn't be able to do that, right?" She's learned a little about force ghosts from Luke's books and in her training with Leia. While they sometimes can interact with their environment, like when Luke raised his X-wing from the water, that doesn't extend the other way. At least it's not supposed to. She isn't supposed to be able to touch him.

"I don't know. I don't think so," Ben admits. Somehow, when she's touching him, he almost looks more vivid now than before. Not quite so transparent, like he's really lying there. 

"Move over," she tells him, and Ben complies, scooting close to the wall so there's room for Rey to climb on. She doesn't lie down, though, but sits cross-legged next to him. She pokes his side as an experiment and waits in question.

Ben doesn't need for her to ask anything aloud, nor does he look at her. "Yes, I can feel that." He sounds troubled, but why she can't imagine. He's dead. He shouldn't be worried about things anymore. "Rey, this doesn't change anything. I'm still gone."

Rey shakes her head, not understanding. Then she goes over his words, and it clicks with sudden clarity, prompting her to shoot up onto her feet, barely staying off the edge of the bed in the process. "What?!"

Concern all over his face, Ben sits up and forces her back down with a firm tug. His touch is clear as day. "Careful, you're going to fall and hit your head."

Rey doesn't argue, dropping onto her knees. "You think this means that maybe... maybe you can come back."

Ben looks as though he wants to eat his previous words, apparently now realizing this was not the train of thought her mind had gone to, and he'd jumped to conclusions. "No, no, definitely not." He shakes his head as if that can turn back time. Too bad the damage is already done. 

"Why not?" Rey demands. She grabs one of his hands roughly and pulls it into her lap. "I shouldn't be able to do this, right? Why can't something else impossible happen?" More gently, she starts to trace a circle onto his hand.

As though her ministrations on his palm have hypnotized him, Ben watches her movements almost reverently. "This is probably because of our bond."

"They're rare," Rey says, echoing what both Luke and Palpatine, even Ben himself, had said. 

Ben nods. "So not much is known about them. Maybe this is normal." 

They let that idea sit for a moment. 

Rey is the first to laugh at the thought that anything about having a force ghost in her room, and one she can touch at that, is anywhere in the same galaxy as normal.

Ben laughs too, and his face lights up with the action, a spark in his eyes that was missing when they first met what seems like so long ago. Rey now knows it was Snoke and Palpatine who were snuffing out that spark, poisoning his mind. She won't ever forget what Ben did as Kylo Ren, but neither will she blame him for being weak, for feeling an emptiness and taking what filled it - the darkness. 

She herself had been so close to a similar fate in that cave on Exegol. And she honestly can't say for sure had their roles been reversed what would have happened. Nothing is ever sure in life.

Or in death, either it seems. If they had defied the odds before, she doesn't see why they can't again.

"Rey," Ben's voice has gone serious, which answers any lingering doubts she had about him being able to feel her emotions still. To guess at her thoughts. "We're out of miracles. Promise me you won't go searching for another."

Knowing that even if she did try to lie, Ben could probably tell, Rey doesn't promise anything. Instead, she leans forward and places a kiss on his cheek. Then, she gets off the bed and goes to wash up, feeling more alive than she has in days. 

And all because of a ghost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not planning on this being very long. I have about 8 chapters outlined and I hope to stick with that. Don't expect this to have a very in-depth plot. This is un-beta'd and is just my way of fixing things while remaining true to canon so I can sleep easily at night. Enjoy and let me know your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey spends time with her friends for the first time in days and contemplates her future.

After leaving her room, Rey walks to the row of refresher units set up not far from the Resistance base's personal quarters. Although the sonic shower inside doesn't feel quite as nice as washing with actual water, it does a good job of removing dirt. 

Rey exits the unit much cleaner and somehow the simple act of taking a shower does a lot to make her feel more human after being cooped up inside for far too long. 

That and the change of clothes. Rey is back to wearing the white, pleated outfit she had worn while training, and the thought makes her ache for Leia. So far, her morning has mirrored her usual routine leading up to her lessons with the general, and for a moment, she considers continuing onto the jungle where she had run her courses. 

Eventually, after much indecision, she heads in the opposite direction, following through with what she'd told Finn and finding Rose.

The mechanic is, as expected, working on a starfighter in the hangar bay. There are a lot of other mechanics around dealing with aircraft of various sizes and in varying degrees of disarray. In comparison, the starfighter Rose is working on is in much better condition than most, and Rey almost doesn't recognize it as Luke's X-wing with how clean and repaired it is. 

Rose is in the process of climbing from the cockpit when she sees Rey. Sending her a toothy smile, Rose continues down the attached ladder and meets Rey at the bottom. "Hey, how are you doing?" Rose asks, sticking a rag into the pocket of her jumpsuit. When she reaches behind her head to fix one of her buns that has come loose, she somehow ends up with a smear of grease across her cheek in the process.

"You've got a little smudge right there..." Rey tells her. Laughing and completely unembarrassed, Rose wipes at the indicated spot with the back of her hand. "Got it."

"Perk of the job," Rose quips, and from anyone else, it probably would have sounded at the very least annoyed. But not coming from Rose, who appears almost pleased, as if the grease only adds to the love she has for her job. It seems that no matter what is thrown her way, Rose Tico can find the good in almost anything. Which is probably why, although still wholly unexpected, she's the first one of Rey's friends to bring up Ben. A pair of knowing, brown eyes seem to look directly into Rey's soul, and there's no judgment in Rose's voice at all when she says, "It's okay to miss him, you know. Despite what he did."

Here Rey is trying to avoid past memories by coming to the hangar, and instead, she's walked into three all within a few minutes. First Leia, then Luke, and now Ben. Rey runs a hand over the side of the X-wing, appreciating her friend's sentiment while also wondering how Rose would react if she told her that it's hard to miss someone who's not really gone. 

Although she wants to talk it over with someone, she thinks better of it. Everyone, even a person as good and pure as Rose, has their limits. "I just wish people understood that he's to credit for our victory, too. Without him, we wouldn't be standing here." 

Rose considers this before responding. "I think if what you say about Ben is true and that you meant as much to him as he did to you, then he wouldn't care that everyone knows, just that you do."

Rey doesn't disagree, but at the same time, she wants everyone to know the real Ben Solo that did so much good, not just the enemy Kylo Ren that caused so much destruction. "But that's not exactly fair to him." There's no heat to her words, because although Rey wants to argue, it's not Rose she's mad at. 

"No, it's not," Rose agrees as she snaps a panel on the side of the X-wing shut and lets her words hang in the air. Then with a gentle nudge to Rey's shoulder, says, "Come on, let's go get some lunch. I hear the guys are cooking."

* * *

When they get to the Millenium Falcon, no one's outside, but the sound of voices and laughter trickles out from the opening of the boarding ramp. Following the noise, the two women make their way through the winding hall of the Falcon to the main hold where they find Poe and Finn settled at a table, already eating.

They stop when they see Rey and Rose, food comically posed halfway to their mouths. Rose takes the rag she'd stuffed in her pocket and snaps it at Finn's leg, which he responds to with a yelp. "You should have waited for us."

"We got hungry," Poe says around a mouthful, already having resumed eating. He swallows then turns to Rey. "Good to see you."

Rey nods at her friend. "Thanks for the soup. I assume you helped with that." Although Finn was the deliverer, he wouldn't have known the first thing about making the stuff. 

Poe waves her off as she sits down next to him, grabbing a plate of her own and looking at what food they've prepared.

There's the usual Polystarch that always makes Rey think back to her life on Jakku. While the bowl on the table contains several loaves of the bread, she'd had to barter most days just to get one or two packets. The platter of steaming meat thankfully is nothing like the veg-meat of her past. Rey hasn't been part of any of the hunting parties yet, but apparently, there's some wild game if one ventures far enough into the trees. It's nothing fancy, salted and cooked in a pan, but it beats the tasteless alternative she'd eaten for over half her life. 

There's a bowl of something else on the table that Rey doesn't recognize, and her hand hovers over the dish before picking out one of the red, shiny spheres. It's harder than she expected, and Poe must see the confusion on her face because he pauses eating. "That's an apple. I think Lando said they're Corellian?"

Rey spots Rose taking a bite of the apple, no utensils, and follows her lead. It has a thin outer layer and is incredibly sweet inside. At first crunchy, it soon becomes soft in her mouth.

Before joining the Resistance, Rey's knowledge of food was pretty much limited to the portions Untar Platt had available. Since then, she's had some seeds and berries that have been scavenged around the Resistance's various bases, as well as a few hardy vegetables they've managed to grow. 

But she's never had something like this before. It tastes expensive, like a week's worth of bartering the very best scrap metal, and Rey puts it to the side of her plate, deciding to save it for last. "How did Lando manage to get apples from Corellia?" She starts in on the Polystarch, which is quite bland in comparison to the apple, but it's enough to satisfy the hunger that has returned after being absent the past few days. 

"Lando has 'connections' as he puts it," Finn chimes in, using air quotes with a roll of his eyes, and Rey laughs. From the little she's seen of Lando Calrissian, he's loud and showy but has a good heart. "It makes me wonder if Han would have been like this, too. He seemed to know people everywhere."

The idea immediately sobers Rey. Finn definitely didn't mean anything by the statement, and glancing around the table, no one else seems to have given it a second thought. It's a fresh reminder, though, that while she may want Ben back, most will still see him as the one who killed Han, among so many other things. 

Despite trying to explain to everyone the significance of what Ben had done with Palpatine, only Rey's friends actually believe her. And even they seem to have their doubts about his change. 

As they eat, Poe gives them updates on the Millennium Falcon and the repairs that still need to be made. Finn has been talking with Jannah and the other former stormtroopers about their planned excursions with Lando. 

At first, Rey didn't quite understand why the older man would offer to help total strangers, but in the same breath realized that with the war over, they all would be looking for something to do to feel useful. Rey isn't sure what she should do next. Of course, she wants to learn more about her parents, but that will only take a month of her time at most. 

Before all of this, Rey had just been trying to live day-by-day on Jakuu and her biggest concern had been whether she was going to get her next meal. Although saving the galaxy was undoubtedly different from Jakku in many aspects, it was still about the same thing at its core - survival.

Now she's sitting here with her friends, surrounded by plenty of food to eat and with no one is chasing them, and she's never felt so lost. The idea that she needs to find something to do with the rest of her life is terrifying. This isn't a situation she had ever seen herself being in.

Having a future. Having options. 

Thankfully she has things to do over the next few weeks to keep her occupied. But in the long run...

It's something Rey ruminates over as she eats. She doesn't contribute much after that, only half-listening to the conversation surrounding her. Thankfully her friends don't comment and seem to be content with her just being there.

* * *

After lunch, they all go their separate ways, Rose back to her quarters, and Poe and Finn to pick up some parts for the Millennium Falcon. When they ask Rey to join them, she tells them that she is going out into the jungle. 

"Do you think he'll still be around?" Finn asks, assuming she's going to talk with Luke.

Rey doesn't correct him. "I'm not sure. I think I would have felt if he was completely gone." 

"Well, say hi for us if you see him," Finn says before leaving with Poe in the direction of maintenance.

Once Rey reaches the jungle's edge, she walks farther than is probably necessary, but she doesn't want to risk someone out hunting stumbling upon her.

When she's crossed several of the rope bridges she'd used for training and finds herself in a cleared spot of ground, Rey shrugs off the small pack she's brought with her and sets it off to the side by a fallen log. 

Then without any fanfare, she looks to the nearest tree and throws out her hands. 

Nothing happens.

Frustrated, Rey thinks back to all the times before when she's been able to produce lightning. When she was desperate and trying to save Chewie, even just recently with Ben, when her anger had overcome her, there's always been some sort of darkness fueling it. 

That doesn't mean it has to be Sith dark force, though. One thing she's learned after all that's happened is that the dark and light side don't truly exist, at least not in complete separation like many of the Jedi texts taught. 

Everyone is grey, the lines blurred. Rey no longer fears that she'll go to the dark side. She isn't doing this for power or to hurt anyone. She's doing this to save. 

She knows her motives aren't entirely selfless. But after everything that's happened, Rey reasons that she deserves a little selfishness.

It's with those thoughts at the forefront of her mind that she digs deep into her feelings about the events of Exegol instead of pushing them down like she's been trying to do. How it felt to finally win after such a long-fought struggle with Ben at her side and then have it all ripped away in a split second. The unjustness of Leia's sacrifice being for nothing. One moment Ben was there and the next, not. 

The anger swells up within her until finally, _finally_ she feels a tingle in the tips of her fingers. 

Taking a deep breath, Rey tries again. 

This time, sparks fly out, and the relief of it is overwhelming. 

She goes to strengthen the lightning and aim at the tree when a voice interrupts. "What in the galaxy are you doing, girl?" And it really is just perfectly imperfect timing that Luke chooses this exact moment to reappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience as I uploaded this second chapter! It took longer than expected with the holidays. No promises on when the next one will be up but I promise I'm working on it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey practices Force lightning, Luke is none too pleased, and Ben makes another appearance. This did not go at all how Rey had planned.

Even though Rey initially plans to ignore her former mentor, she soon finds that she can't concentrate enough to continue. In annoyance, she stops her practice and turns to take stock of the scene before her. 

Luke's sitting cross-legged on the thick log not far from where she's left her pack. He doesn't look any different than the last time she saw him, except for the severe frown creasing his face.

"I asked, what are you doing?" Luke repeats, his attention focused on the smoking tree to her left that has a gaping hole in its center. Rey feels a swell of pride at the sight, knowing she is responsible.

Then, as if the universe is truly against her, Ben chooses this exact moment to appear in the clearing and sit down beside his uncle.

"Just practicing," Rey says as she walks down the length of the log to her pack.

"Practicing for _what_ exactly?" Luke returns, sharply. 

It's really sore luck that he had to stumble upon her using Force lightning on a tree. Why couldn't it have been sit-ups or even lightsaber practice that he'd caught her doing? It's not that Rey thinks she's doing anything wrong exactly, but she's under no delusions that Luke will approve. "It's nothing to be concerned about," she replies, pulling out her canteen and taking a long drink of water.

"Do you know what she's doing?" Luke asks his nephew, seeming to realize that he may get an actual answer if he bypasses Rey altogether.

Rey hopes that Luke and Ben not having had the best familial relationship while alive will deter Ben from answering. But when Ben meets her eyes, the troubled intensity of his stare startles her, and she knows in that moment he will do whatever it takes to stop her, even if it means playing nice with the uncle who once tried to kill him. 

"She's trying to bring me back to life."

Luke is incredulous. "You're what? That's impossible!" Rey's never seen the man quite so shocked, and if he weren't already dead, she'd be worried that he'd keel over right here and now.

A feeling of smugness washes over Rey that is at such odds with her frustration, she immediately realizes the feelings are not her own. Irritation at the invasion, Rey walks over and shoves at Ben's shoulder, hoping he'll fall backward off the log.

Although he, unfortunately, remains upright, the smugness evaporates from the bond, being replaced by indignation. "Hey!" Ben growls.

Luke's shock increases as he realizes what's just occurred. "You felt that?"

Ben's silence is answer enough, and Rey doesn't even try to prevent her own smug feelings from seeping through their connection.

Luke looks between Rey and Ben with narrowed eyes before settling on Rey. "I think someone wasn't as forthcoming as they should have been. This bond is a lot stronger than you made it seem."

"Perhaps, but in all fairness, you were keeping secrets long before this..." she tells him, gesturing between her and Ben, "...even happened." When Luke doesn't object to the accusation, Rey decides to push her luck and keep going. "And maybe things would have gone differently if you hadn't kept so much from us. Like that you knew about the dark side was preying on Ben..."

Ben's shoulder hunch almost imperceptibly at that, and while Rey doesn't like resurrecting old demons of his, she needs to make her point. 

"... or that Palpatine was my grandfather." Seeing Luke about to protest, Rey raises a hand to stop him. "Don't get me wrong. I'm not blaming you and saying this is your fault. Everything that happened is because of a combination of many bad decisions from many different people. Maybe things would have still turned out the same if we knew..."

The truth of Rey's words seem to hit Luke all at once. "But maybe you would still be alive..." he finishes, looking at Ben with no small amount of regret. Sighing in defeat, Luke closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I may have an idea that could help."

Ben's reaction is immediate. Probably thinking Luke would agree with him that this is too dangerous, he obviously wasn't expecting the reverse to happen instead. His outrage shooting through their bond is so intense that Rey grabs onto him before she even realizes he's fading. As soon as she touches Ben, though, his body comes back into full focus.

Rey didn't know she could do that.

"No," Ben grounds out, glaring at her hand like it's the source of all his trouble, and ironically, it sort of is. "She's going to kill herself trying this." He whirls on Luke. "Are you saying you're going to help her do that?"

Rather than looking concerned at the heated question, Luke seems to find Ben's anger almost amusing. "Maybe she would stop trying if you stopped appearing." Rey's grip tightens on Ben's shoulder as if just the suggestion will cause him to dissipate into dust.

"I've tried," Ben confesses. He leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees and runs his hands through his thick black hair. "But she keeps pulling me back with our bond." 

Another thing Rey didn't realize she could do, but it makes sense that if she can keep him here, then she can bring him to her as well.

When Ben suddenly shoves Rey's hand from his shoulder and disappears, she only panics for a moment before he reappears a second later, a few feet from them. Picking up her pack and canteen, Ben gestures for Rey to follow. When she doesn't budge, his eyes turn pleading. "Come on, at least take a break for a few minutes. You don't feel right."

Rey places a hand on her stomach just before it growls. She hasn't been this close to Ben for such a prolonged stretch of time before. Having him be able to sense so much about her will take some adjustment.

Luke shakes his head at them, laughing. "Incredible! Truly incredible!" Then to Rey, he says, "Go, get some food to restore your energy. When you return, we'll talk."

Waving her off when she reaches for her things, Ben starts heading back to base, and Rey hurries to catch up to his side. They don't speak as they walk, albeit for very different reasons. Rey is too consumed in imagining what Luke is going to tell them, and Ben is still angry that she's risking her safety for him.

At the first sound of another person by the base, Ben disappears. Rey doesn't think anyone can see him anyway since they'd have to be Force-sensitive. Still, it's not like it would be easy to walk around camp with Ben and not acknowledge him, so it's probably best this way.

As she's grabbing food, Rey manages to avoid talking to everyone except Finn. When he suggests she join him on the Falcon again to eat, she has to decline, saying she's going back into the jungle. 

"Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?" he asks, frustrated, but she can tell he's trying to be patient.

Rey thinks about the conversation she just had with Ben and Luke about what happens when the people in their lives keep secrets. "I will eventually," she promises. 

It's a testament to how much faith and trust Finn has in her that he lets her go with that assurance alone and doesn't push any further.

When she steps back into the trees and out of sight, Ben reappears. Rey can't help but smile as she thinks how it truly never gets old to see him, and although she can tell Ben wants to stay mad at her, he shakes his head and fails to fight back a smile of his own.

Together, they start walking back to Luke. Rey rips into one of the ration packets she picked up and bites into a very tough piece of preserved veg-meat. With the way today has unfolded, she can't find it in herself to hate it. 

They've walked for a few minutes before Ben breaks the silence. "This isn't so terrible, is it?" he asks her. "I'm still around, but you don't have to worry about explaining me to your friends. You get exactly what you want."

The food is suddenly like ash in Rey's mouth, and she swallows hard. "That's not what I want," she tells him in disbelief, not grasping how he could ever think that. "I want my friends to _know_ you. I want them to know the good you did and who you really are. And call me crazy, but I want you to be alive and to get a chance to be happy!"

"I'm happy right now, being here with you."

"It's not enough," Rey says with a shake of her head, and she can both see and feel Ben flinch in reaction to her words. "You deserve more," she adds softly, willing him to understand.

Ben doesn't say anything else after that, and they finish the rest of their walk without a word.

When they return to the clearing, Luke hasn't moved. Rey takes a spot on the dirt in front of him and rips into another ration, finding some type of unleavened bread inside.

Ben remains standing, arms crossed as he stares at the edge of the trees with such focus Rey half expects the leaves to spontaneously combust. Trying to ignore how unbalanced his turbulent emotions are making her feel, she takes a bite of the bread and looks to Luke.

Luke shakes his head at Ben. "Look, I can't feel you the way Rey can, but this whole angsty thing you have going on right now is getting on _my_ nerves. Stop behaving like a child." 

Ben huffs, but he does uncross his arms and comes to sit on the ground beside Rey.

Satisfied, Luke begins. "Before I explain, I need you first to tell me everything about this bond of yours."

Rey wastes no time jumping in. She explains how it initially started with them just being able to sense each other through the Force. "We could only feel each other's emotions on a low level. Then, somewhere along the way, everything changed, and we could have entire conversations from lightyears away like we were in the same room." 

Goosebumps form on Rey's arms at the memories that arise. Ben's presence, scaring her at first, had eventually become like another part of her. An all-consuming presence, whenever he appeared, he somehow was able to distract her from whatever present danger she was in. For all their fighting, she had looked forward to his visits, and it was just the two of them. 

"One time Rey was standing by the ocean when we spoke," Ben says, his voice distant, and Rey knows he's reliving the memories just as she is. "I could feel the droplets of saltwater on my face after she left." He touches his cheek as if expecting it to still be damp.

"That's impossible..." Luke says for the umpteenth time, although he's beginning to look more and more unsure. "It's..." 

"It's incredible," Rey insists, a small smile on her face. "Luke, through our bond, I was able to give him a lightsaber, Anakin's lightsaber, from rooms away!"

That, more than anything else they've told him up to this point, seems to do the old Jedi master in. He doesn't say anything for several minutes, and Rey expects him to waver on holding up his part of all this. He always beat around the bush when it came to her lessons, and she's guessing it was the same when Ben was a padawan.

When Luke finally speaks, though, she's surprised though that it's not with more questions but an actual explanation. Maybe he's taking her comment about secrets to heart.

"There's a planet in the Deep Core, surrounded by a nebula and very strong in the Force," Luke begins.

Rey glances at Ben to see if he knows what Luke's talking about, but he looks as lost as she is.

"It's known only to a few and can't be found on any map. Initially thought to be just legend, it is in fact, very real. I only came to learn of the place because Yoda told me about it many years ago."

"What exactly is it, though?" Rey asks.

Luke shrugs. "I can't say for certain. Even Yoda, who's been there, wasn't able to describe it well. He did say that he's never been anywhere where he felt so much Force. Some call it the Wellspring of Life."

_The Wellspring of Life._

Rey feels goosebumps crawl up her arms for an entirely different reason this time, and she scoots forward. "Tell me how to get there." 

As Luke explains the instructions Yoda gave him for the location of the planet, Rey grows more and more convinced this is where she needs to go. Where else could be more perfect for harnessing the full strength of the Force to bring someone back to life? 

Undoubtedly feeling the hope and determination rising up in Rey, Ben stands, and she herself can feel through their bond a mixture of fear and overwhelming dread. Brushing the crumbs from her lap, Rey stands too and wraps her arms around him as soon as she's on her feet.

Ben's response is delayed but when he hugs her back, she can feel the tension in his muscles. 

Rey doesn't enjoy hurting him. This is really about the exact opposite of that. Turning her face into his chest, she places a kiss there. "I'm leaving in the morning."

The grip around her tightens, and she lets Ben just hold her for the time being.

After all, they both know eventually he's going to have to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It may be a few days before I update as the next chapter is not much more than a barebones outline. Also, this may end up being 7 instead of 8 chapters. We shall see!
> 
> Also, I'm going to watch Star Wars again tomorrow with my family. I'm excited to see their reactions and also interested to see what new things I pick up during a rewatch. Who else plans to watch it more than once in theatres?
> 
> Hope you all have a lovely weekend and let me know what you think as always!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets ready for her trip across the galaxy, but it's not all smooth sailing before she leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No beta as usual. I hope you enjoy!

Rey gets up early the next day before dawn has broken. Having packed the previous night, the only thing she has to do is write up a quick note to leave on her bed. It may be the coward's way out to explain where she's going, but she knows how her friends feel about Ben. If she'd told them in person, they would have either delayed her or tried to stop her from going altogether. 

This is something that she's going to have to do by herself, for she's the only one to truly care what happens to Ben Solo.

The morning air is chilled, the sun still being down, and regardless of whatever else this Force planet is, Rey hopes it's at least warm. She's had enough caves and sterile starships to last a lifetime.

As she walks through the base, she passes a few Resistance members walking around on patrol, because even though the war is over, there are still bad people in the galaxy. They don't do more than nod in her direction, though, so she makes it to the hangar without any issue. 

When she enters the hangar, she heads straight for the X-wing but stops short when she sees three figures are standing beside it already. 

As she gets closer, she sees it's Finn, Poe, and Rose. All look sleep-deprived; however, it's Finn's appearance that confuses her the most. He seems thoroughly rattled, as if he's just witnessed something singularly horrible. 

"What are you guys doing here?" Rey asks in shock, not wanting to give herself away if they're here for a completely unrelated reason. However, when she shifts her bag more behind her body, and Poe raises an eyebrow as if to say, "Seriously?" she knows it's a lost cause. 

She's barely opened her mouth to defend herself when Finn explodes. "Kylo Ren? Of all people, did it have to be Kylo Ren?!"

Rey flinches at the intensity of Finn's voice. She's been at the receiving end of his anger before, but it's never been quite this strong. Her eyes grow hot, and she has to look down at the ground to compose herself. "How did you find out?"

"He came to my room a few hours ago," Finn says. Thankfully his voice has returned to a normal volume. "I thought I was just having a nightmare at first, reliving being a stormtrooper, you know? But then I realized I was awake, and he wasn't just in my imagination." 

Rey's head snaps up. "You could see him?" The idea sends her mind reeling with the implications. "You're Force-sensitive?!"

Finn nods. "Now I know why yesterday I could feel another presence whenever you were around. It was _him_."

This must have been what Finn had wanted to tell her before in the desert of Pasaana. It's not that Rey never suspected Finn could feel more by way of the Force than the average person. There had been little things here and there to make her wonder, but with so much else going on, she'd never been able to pursue it further. 

"Yeah, you're lucky that Rey's secret tops yours today buddy, or you'd be getting an earful from me," Poe says, jabbing Finn in the chest with his index finger. "This is something you share with your friends." He turns to point at Rey. "Both of you."

Finn throws up his arms. "Oh, like you shared everything with us about your past? A spice runner! I can't believe you used to smuggle drugs."

Although she's glad to have the heat off herself for a moment, Rey knows it's not fair for Poe to receive the brunt of what's meant for her. "Look, I'm sorry that you had to find out this way."

Finn shakes his head once at Poe then redirects his attention to Rey. "Kylo Ren, really?" The hurt and betrayal in his voice is like a sharp pain to her gut. "Just tell us why."

Sadly, Rey shakes her head. Her friends' reactions just confirm what she'd already thought - that they still don't believe her about Ben. "You won't understand."

"You can at least _try_ to help us understand," Rose says gently, ever the voice of reason.

"I already have!" Rey shouts, and in the quietness of the morning, her voice reverberates throughout the hangar, sounding that much louder. 

"When? When did you try to explain?" Finn demands. "Was it yesterday in your room? Maybe it was at lunch on the Falcon? Or how about when I asked you to eat supper with us? Tell me when, because I must not have been paying attention when you told us that Kylo Ren was back and walking around our base."

"Ben," Rey corrects quietly. That more than anything else he's said up until this point is the one thing she won't let go. "His name is _Ben_ , not Kylo Ren." 

Finn's expression softens into what Rey can only interpret as... sympathy. "Rey, you can't really believe someone who's murdered so many people can change, just like that."

 _But he did change!_ Rey wants to scream. _You weren't there but I saw it! I felt it!_

She knows further yelling won't get them anywhere, though, so she takes a deep breath and tries a different approach. "I never explained before, how it felt to be tempted by the dark side."

None of her friends speak, but all of their eyes are on her, and she knows, at last, she has their attention. 

"Not only were my dreams haunted by visions of the Sith throne, but every waking moment I was questioning my sanity. When that light burst from my hands and I thought I'd killed Chewie, I had never felt so scared in my entire life. And that wasn't even the worst of it." Rey feels her hands begin to shake, and she has to clench them at her sides to get them to stop. Images of fighting herself on the Death Star flash through her mind, and then her trip to Exegol. While she had explained to her friends the basics of what happened on the Sith planet, she had never planned to say her next words aloud, but she knows this is the only way they'll understand. "I almost accepted Palpatine's offer."

Finn visibly jerks back, eyes wide in disbelief. "You would never have gone through with it," he insists.

While Finn's unwavering faith should buoy her, it feels undeserved now. Instead, it further cuts into the still frightening knowledge that she had almost done the unimaginable. "You weren't there. The sky was on fire, and at the time, it seemed like the only way out."

"Was Ben there when Palpatine offered you the throne?" Rose asks.

"Not at first. When Ben arrived on Exegol, he's the one that stopped it. He stopped me."

Rey can see the confusion on everyone's faces, but no one interrupts.

"The dark side is like a poison seeping into every fiber of your being. It happens so quickly that you don't even realize it." A shiver runs through her body as she thinks of that cave, the temptation of Palpatine's outstretched hand... 

"Are you saying the same thing happened to Kylo- Ow!" Finn stops with a not-so-subtle elbow in the ribs from Rose. "That the same thing happened to _Ben_?" he amends.

Rey nods. "Yes, Palpatine was behind it from the very beginning, preying on Ben's mind when he was just a kid. I'm not excusing what Ben did when he was under the dark side's influence. I'm just saying that could have been my future, too, if it wasn't for him. I wasn't strong enough to defy the darkness on my own, but when I sensed Ben there, I could see that there was another way out."

"But Ben didn't have someone there to pull him out of the darkness," Rose says with a frown, catching what Rey is trying to get across. "He was alone."

"It's not fair," Rey replies, repeating what she'd told Rose the previous day almost precisely where they're standing now. 

No one speaks for some time, and Rey hopes that it's because they're finally coming around. She doesn't think she imagines the change in their expressions or the shift in the air.

Out of everyone, Finn has the most reason to push back, to not accept it. His understanding is also the one Rey cares about the most, so when he goes to speak, Rey steels herself for disappointment.

"Ben..." Finn starts, and the name sounds awkward coming from his mouth, but Rey's heart lifts to realize he's trying. " He really was an entirely different person as Kylo Ren, wasn't he? The person who appeared in my room..." 

"... was different than what you remembered?" Rey guesses.

Finn considers that with a furrowed brow. "I don't think I'd ever truly met Ben Solo until then. He seemed genuinely concerned about your safety when he appeared in my room." To Rey's surprise, Finn laughs. "It was strange, actually. He was just rambling at first, and it took a bit before I could understand what he was trying to tell me." 

Before now, Rey had been focused solely on making her friends believe her. Now though, with their acceptance, however tenuous, Rey for the first time can think about what Ben had told Finn. "What exactly did he say to you?"

"Well, he claimed that you were going off to some dangerous, unknown Force planet and that you were trying to bring him back to life." He looks to Poe and Rose, raising his eyebrows. "Does that about sum it up?"

"You forgot to include the part where she was going by herself," Poe says.

Finn turns back to Rey with a stern expression. "Oh, right. And you were planning on going without any backup." 

"I knew how you all felt about Ben and that if I told you what I was doing, you'd try to stop me."   
  
No one disagrees.

"Just tell me one thing," Finn says, walking closer until he's only a foot away, and Rey can't look anywhere else except his intense gaze. "Does he really mean that much to you?"

Yes seems too simple of an answer for such a heavy question. At the same time, what Rey feels for Ben is hard to explain. He's a part of her, and the thought of this not working, of her failing to bring him back, is unthinkable. Suddenly, her eyes start to fill with tears as all the stress from the past few days bubbles up to the surface, not letting her tamp it down any longer. She hastily wipes at her eyes and struggles to reply, but words still fail her. 

Thankfully, she doesn't have to say a thing. 

All doubt is gone from Finn's face, and before she realizes what's happening, he's swinging an arm over her shoulder. Turning her around, he leads her away from the X-wing and out of the hangar to the Millenium Falcon. "Then let's bring him back."

* * *

When Rey steps aboard the Falcon, it's to find a buzz of activity inside. Rey sees C-3PO a few paces away instructing D-O, and the little droid is rolling back and forth on its single wheel, listening intently. Going through the bulkhead doors, BB-8 is off immediately to her right, plugged into the flight computer. As his round head swivels her way, he emits several happy beeps upon seeing her.

"Is the hyperdrive fixed now?" Rey asks. The last she knew, it was still in rough shape from Poe's lightspeed skipping. Lando had even commented on it after the battle, saying that their patch job wouldn't hold up another trip, and the thing would need a full overhaul.

Poe, in the middle of a systems check, pauses to answer. "We fixed it two days ago." The glare he sends her way seems entirely unnecessary until he adds, "Which you would have known if you'd been paying attention during lunch."

"Sorry?" Rey tries with a shrug of her shoulders.

Poe just rolls his eyes in response. "You're forgiven." Flipping a final switch, he claps once and rubs his hands together, walking over to the nav computer and having her join him. "Now, this... 'planet' we're going to."

"The Wellspring of Life," Rey clarifies.

"Right. It's in the Deep Core, isn't it? Do you have the coordinates?"

After Rey enters them into the computer, Poe leans over to scan the data. He clicks a few buttons, then frowns. enter them into the computer. "The star chart doesn't seem to recognize them. Are you sure those are right?"

"They're rough," Rey admits. "But Luke said once you're in the immediate area, the planet is supposed to be impossible to miss." She doesn't voice her concerns aloud that Luke had misremembered, or Yodi had forgotten an important detail.

Despite keeping her doubts internal, Poe seems to have his own hesitations and looks over their flight plan with some reluctance. "Well, it looks like it's less than a day away." He yawns. "Do you mind taking us off? I haven't had breakfast yet, and I'm going to need to put something in this stomach of mine if I'm going to last another hour."

"Of course," she says, and begins to make her way to the front when something snags her attention from the corner of her vision. 

It's a pile of bags stored off to the side, completely packed and ready to go. Rey instantly recognizes them as belonging to her friends, and the realization hits her all of a sudden that they'd always been planning to come.

Sure, she'd had to make her argument. It's not like their hesitation about Ben was faked. However, it seems that even before that, they'd already decided they were going with her regardless of what happened in the hangar. Their packed bags are proof of that.

"Everything okay?" Finn asks, turning from the seat he's taken in the cockpit to see what's causing her delay. 

Rey swings her bag off her shoulder and adds it to the three others secured in the cargo hold with a small smile. "Yeah," she tells Finn, walking into the cockpit and finally taking the pilot's seat. "Everything's perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Ben in this chapter, but he'll be back in the next one. And the fact that he's the subject of the conversation should help make up for that. Please let me know what you think like always.


End file.
